


You Have to Eat a Peck of Dirt Before You Die

by pocketconstitution



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Clark is tired of Lex, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Superman eats dirt, That's it, and so am i, lots of buttons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-25 23:10:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16207631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketconstitution/pseuds/pocketconstitution
Summary: Lex Luthor decides that the best way to kill Superman is to bury him alive. What he doesn't realize is that Superman can eat dirt.





	You Have to Eat a Peck of Dirt Before You Die

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% completely based on [this tweet](https://twitter.com/marfsalvador/status/913024456339132416?lang=en) that I saw.

Lex Luthor was destroying upper Metropolis. Again. For the third time that week, in fact. Somehow, he had continued to post bail for all of his arrests, despite needing to pay for all of the property damage that he had manage to commit before Superman jumped in and stopped him. After all, the only reason Lex was doing all of this was to gain Superman’s attention.

And Clark was tired of it. He just wanted some peace for once in his life, and now, not only is one annoying billionaire trying to attract him, Batman also needed him to check in with him every day to make sure that he wasn’t a threat to humanity yet. He wanted to go back to the times where all he had to deal with were grade school bullies.

Ignoring Batman’s call, Clark flew away towards Lex, sizing up the man in his battle suit. This time, Lex had come prepared with kryptonite, realizing his own strength was no match for Superman. For a super genius, Lex was quite dense sometimes. Superman couldn’t quickly dispose of the man without getting injured.

While in the midst of thinking, Lex started to taunt Superman, thinking he had the upper hand because the other wasn’t doing anything to stop him. “I’ve got you now, Superman. With my kryptonite suit, you are no match for me or my strength. I will capture you and dispose of you. The world no longer needs Superman. All it needs is Lex.”

Clark rolled his eyes at Lex’s attempt at a conniving villain monologue; all it did was make Lex seem desperate. “Lex, give it up. Stop this madness, th-”

“That’s where you are wrong, Superman. I can finally bury you once and for all, and you will reap the sow of the forgotten,” Lex interrupted, not caring for what Superman was going to say to him.

And to be frank, Superman did not care for what Lex was saying to him either. Making up his mind, Superman surged towards the man, intending to drop him into the river where he would just float aimlessly. He grabbed the man by his head, trying not to hurt him too badly, and flew the two of them over the body of water. Superman lowered himself towards the river, not wanting to drop Lex too high.

But before he could release the man’s head, Lex started talking again. “Ha, I knew you were going to do this, Superman. That’s why I prepared this.” With that, he pressed a button on his suit, suddenly transforming it into a one man submarine, similar to Elon Musk’s cave design. They must’ve talked about it during one of their creepy billionaires’ club meetings.

Rich men and their fancy, self-serving, useless gadgets, Clark thought to himself as he became encapsulated into the submarine along with Lex. But now, with the kryptonite much closer to him, Superman was much weaker. Taking advantage of the situation, Lex pressed more buttons on his suit submarine, ones that chained Superman with kryptonite.

Weak and bored, Superman decided to wait this out to see what Lex had plan to do with him. Lex drove them downstream before the suit submarine transformed into a small airplane within a touch of a button, because of course it did. Superman sighed at his arch nemesis theatricalities, wishing the man would do something much more altruistic with his money and brain.

Lex flew them away from downtown Metropolis, away from the gleaming skyscrapers, and towards the rural side of the city. Touching down outside a mansion, Superman was curious to see what he had taken them. He waited for a second, knowing fully well that Lex was about to start rambling all of the details of his evil plan.

“That’s right, Superman. I’ve taken you back to the family mansion, filled with everlasting disappointment. But I won’t disappoint any further. I will kill you tonight, right in front of the eyes of Father, showing once and for all, that there was no reason for Him to send you to atone for my sins.”

With that, the plane shifted into something similar to the suit Lex was wearing earlier. But this time, in front of the man, resembling a baby carriage, was Superman, still bound in kryptonite and still confused. Lex walked towards the mansion, carrying Superman with him, into the cemetery in the backyard. Superman glanced over, not spotting what Lex was going to try to do to him.

Unusually, there would’ve been an extravagant set up, complete with chainsaws and hanging teeth to scare him, but today, there was only a shovel. “That’s right. I’m going to bury you. Bury you like my haters when they discover that I was able to kill you.” Lex climbed out of the suit submarine plane baby carriage suit; he actually physically climbed out like it was a rock wall and hopped down onto the grass.

Superman was still incredibly confused, but he also knew that if he didn’t get out quick, there would be some long term side effects from the kryptonite that Lex had entrapped him with. It wasn’t even the good stuff that would leave him sprawling for life; it was a much weaker, manufactured poison that only exhausted him.

Lex laid down Superman, still in the suit, onto the ground, and then grabbed the shovel. He made Superman watch as he dug the hole. It took a long time, for Lex had worn himself out from wearing the suit submarine plane baby carriage suit. By the time he had finished the six foot wide, nine foot long, and six foot deep hole, Superman had already figured a way out of the suit; he had just pushed on all of the buttons until one of them released him. It took a while, there were many buttons, but eventually, he did it.

Now, he could escape right away and drop Lex off at the Metropolis Police and hoped that it would stop him from doing anything like this ever again; Clark knew that Lex would just continue to inconvenience Superman until he got what he wanted. So Superman decided to scare him from doing this.

Wheezing for air, Lex leaned on the shovel and turned towards Clark. “Are you, are you ready to see the face of death?” the man asked, red in the face. He started to push the suit and Superman into the hole, before realizing that it was too much effort and just pushed a button that instantly rolled Clark into the hole, because of course, there was a button for that. The mound of the dirt next to Lex looked like a mountain, but that didn’t deter Clark.

Lex shoved the shovel into dirt and flung it back into the hole where Superman laid. Not deterred, Clark just looked up at the man, smiling and taunting him. “That’s it? You’re just going to put dirt on me? You do know that you have tried to do this before, and it didn’t work, right?”

“Shut. Up.” Lex grunted. He was getting towards the end of his rope, exhausted from all of the labor he had done. Maybe this wasn’t such a good way to kill Superman after all. But he could not go back now; he had committed to this plan. Lex started to shove more and more dirt back into the hole. By the time the hole was up to Superman’s neck filled with dirt, Lex couldn’t seemed to get enough air into his lungs. Maybe he should’ve made a suit to do this.

Deciding to put the man out of his misery, Clark decided to start eating the dirt. At first, Lex didn’t notice. But when Superman ate his entire shovelful of dirt in one bite, he was visibly taken aback. It only made him want to put more dirt into the hole, however, as he started to work faster, a horrible idea, as not only was the man incredibly weak, Superman had only just started.

Not only was Superman the man of steel, he also had a stomach of iron. Consuming the dirt was going to give him a long trip in the bathroom, but that was a problem for another time. He ate it all up, consuming the dirt faster than Lex could pour more into the hole. “How,” Lex gasped for air, “are you eating the dirt,” another gulp of air, “so fast?”

But the man didn’t get any answer because by that time, Superman had eaten all of the dirt in the hole. He flew out, once again capturing Lex by his head, and left the Luthor mansion behind. Superman dropped Lex off at the police, hoping that the man had learned his lesson and would never try to bother Superman ever again. He knew that today’s events might shock the man, but who knew if they would actually deter him forever.

Clark went back home, exhausted. Eating dirt had taken a lot of energy out of him, and a blast of sunlight would be great right now. Unfortunately, it was now night; the adventure had taken a whole day out of him. Climbing into his bed, he closed his eyes to attempt to fall asleep before he heard the distinct rhythmic beat of Batman’s heart. He opened his eyes, wishing people would just let him be.

“What do you want? I’m too tired to enslave humanity. Please go away.”

Batman stared at him. Clark knew that the other man didn’t have x ray vision and couldn’t see the dirt in his stomach, but it was still an unnerving sight. “Bruce, please. I ate a lot of dirt today. It’s going to be a pain for me tomorrow. Just please. Let me have a few hours.”

Batman only blinked at the fact that Superman had eaten dirt. In his true Batman ways, he wanted to analyze this inhumane strength. “Will you come to the cave for some tests?” Bruce asked, curious and wanting to know as much as possible.

“Bruce,” Clark exhaled tiredly, “I am not eating dirt for science.”

“It was worth a try,” Bruce responded, before leaving without a sound, retreating back to his cave, attempting to find a way to convince Clark to come down and perform some tests.

Clark sighed and went back to sleep, hoping that he would never have to eat dirt ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. Hoped you enjoyed :]


End file.
